Posts Tagged ‘put downs’

Oh, go away, already.

Oh, go away, already.

 

Comedian, actor and singer Bette Midler has slammed serial self-promoter Kim Kardashian West after she posted a barely-censored photo of herself on social media.

The reality TV star, shared the saucy pic to her 62 million Instagram followers and 41 million Twitter fans with the caption: “When you’re like I have nothing to wear LOL”.

While some fans sang out in her praise, Midler was less than impressed by the recent nude, hopping on Twitter to lay down some home truths.

“Kim Kardashian tweeted a nude selfie today. If Kim wants us to see a part of her we’ve never seen, she’s gonna have to swallow the camera,” the actress, singer and songwriter said.

Milder’s tweet has so far received over 14,000 retweets, 17,000 likes and was greeted with a social media round of applause.

Hear, hear.

We hasten to add that if KK wants to be nude in public that’s her business. We’re just sick to death of her. Utterly, totally, boringly over-exposed.

And not just her skin.

Snappy Answers

Don’t you always wish you had the perfect riposte to someone’s idiotic or annoying question? I am indebted to my good friend, businessman and philanthropist Paul Wheelton, for his Top 5 list of snappy answers:

SNAPPY ANSWER #5

It was mealtime during a flight on a British Airways plane.

“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked the man seated in the front row, buried in his newspaper.

“What are my choices?” the man asked, without looking up.

“Yes or no,” she replied.

SNAPPY ANSWER #4

A lady was picking through the frozen Chickens at a Woolworth’s store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her
family.

She asked a passing assistant, “Do these Chickens get any bigger?”

The assistant replied patiently, “I’m afraid not, Madam. They’re dead.”

SNAPPY ANSWER #3

The policeman got out of his car and the teenager he stopped for speeding rolled down his window.

“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the Cop said, eyeing the reading on his speed camera.

The kid replied, “Well, I got here as fast as I could.” When the policeman finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way with a telling off but without a ticket.

SNAPPY ANSWER #2

A truck driver was driving along on a country road. A sign came up that read “Low Bridge Ahead.”

Before he realised it, the bridge was directly ahead and he got stuck under it.

Cars were backed up for miles. Finally, a police car arrived. The policeman got out of his car and walked to the
truck’s cab and said to the driver, “Got stuck, eh?”

The truck driver replied, “Nah, mate; I was just delivering this bridge and ran out of diesel …”

SNAPPY ANSWER OF THE YEAR … SO FAR

A teacher at West Australian High School reminded her pupils of tomorrow’s final exam.

“Now listen to me, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”

A smart-arsed teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”

The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When silence and order was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head gently and sweetly said:

“Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other hand.”

CAN YOU DO BETTER?

One of my favourite “actually heard” ripostes was on a pier in Melbourne. Asked “Did you catch that fish?” by a small boy, a weary angler murmured “No mate, I talked him into giving himself up.”

I am also reminded of a wonderful story told to me by a friend about his sister who was visiting New York for the first time. Coming out of a phone booth, she was confronted by a “gentleman” who in classic style open his coat to reveal his “half pound of giblets” hanging pominently out of his trousers.

Instead of screaming, the sister squinted and leaned forward, then chuckled to herself, smiled at the flasher and remarked:

“Oooh look … it looks just like a penis … only, somehow … smaller.”

All other smart-arse, snappy or just plain funny responses gratefully received 🙂