Yes, it’s Friday, meaning that it’s time for the next instalment of our “That’s unbelievable” posts that we promised you. As always, we indefatigably scan the Internet so you don’t have to.
We are delighted to read Hugh Dunnett – of the now world-famous Suffolk Gazette – telling the world the story about two men who attempted to rob a sperm bank who were today labelled Britain’s dumbest criminals.
The pair burst into the Suffolk Sperm Bank building in Ipswich expecting to grab cash and jewellery – but instead they found only deposits of a different kind.
Police collared the disappointed-looking pair as they attempted to escape clutching nothing more than a few pornographic magazines.
Detective Inspector Paul Hood told the Suffolk Gazette: “The two men were Eastern European and had clearly recognised the word ‘bank’ on the signs outside the building. But they evidently had no idea that a sperm bank was something very different. Armed with a lead pipe, they burst in through the front door, and CCTV pictures from inside the building clearly show them scratching their heads as they wondered where all the safes containing money were.”
‘Pull it off’
“Rather than rows of cashiers behind security screens and hundreds of thousands of pounds, they were confronted with nothing more than a receptionist and a few embarrassed-looking men. They probably still hoped to pull it off, (sic) but the building’s alarm went off. We arrested the would-be robbers as they tried to run off up Tavern Street.”
Det Insp Hood said two men, aged 27 and 31, had been charged with attempted robbery and would appear before Ipswich magistrates in the morning.
We were gobbling up this story with great relish Dear Reader until we noticed that the story claims one of the men was named locally last night as Jack Meoff. This rang alarm bells in the recesses of what passes for a brain in our tired old head.
The story continues “No-one in the bank was hurt, although the receptionist was said to be “shocked”. A spokesman for the Suffolk Sperm Bank said: “We are very grateful to the police for taking this in hand. Our receptionist was worried these men would take out their weapons and put their empty sack on the table in front of her. You could say that it turned into a bit of an anti-climax for the robbers.”
Sadly, a little investigation reveals the “Sussex Gazette” to be an online spoof and satire site and not a reputable newspaper.
This latter news has quite spoiled our afternoon.