As you will know, Dear Reader, from my previous ramblings on the subject, at http://wp.me/p1LY0z-jU, a Paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way – often a pun – that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part.
It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists. “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a famous and much-attributed paraprosdokian.
I love ’em, and so apparently do you – so I am grateful to my good mate Scashy for this new list. Enjoy!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. I’d love to agree with you. But then again, then we’d both be wrong.
4. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
5. Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6. The evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
7. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a poor memory.
9. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
10. You’re never too old to learn. Often something really stupid and intended for the young.
11. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. (This one is especially useful in business, I have found.)
12. Change is inevitable. Except from your office vending machine.
13. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
14. My neighbour banged on my door at 2:30am this morning. Can you believe that: 2:30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
15. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
16. I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed. At first I was afraid. Then I was petrified.
17. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back just in case.
18. A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to drinking brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
19. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed four funeral guys in big black hats walking about with a coffin, Three hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, , “Well, they’ve lost the plot!”
20. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70. Blow that, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
21. Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.
22. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. So I pushed her over.
23. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
24. I was driving this morning when I saw a roadside assistance van parked. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, ‘That guy’s heading for a breakdown.’
25. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
26. Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
27. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
28. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
29. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
30. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
31. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Brigade usually uses water.
And perhaps my personal favourite …
32. I seem to always miss my husband. But my aim is improving.