I’ll show you my spam if you’ll show me yours.

Posted: November 11, 2012 in Humour, Popular Culture et al
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

This is Olga. She’s 20 years old, and apparently having great difficulty finding a nice man to marry in Russia. She is especially keen, I am told, to meet with a good mannered 50+ near-broke writer in Australia for ze making of the babies.

I was watching TV the other day – the inestimable “QI” with Stephen Fry, surely the most charming and funny show on TV – and he asked the contestants what the commonest use of the internet was for. Predictably, they answered “Porn” and “Email” and “Facebook”.

In fact, the answer was “spam”. Yes, that occasionally hilarious and mystifying mass of unwanted emails, which apparently accounts for some 80% of all internet traffic. Staggering, really.

Which is fascinatingly, I suppose, as I am sure most of us never look at it.

Internet filters are so effective now that it all just piles up un-seen and un-loved in our spam inbox, and is then automatically deleted after it has festered there awhile. Or at least, most of it must be, but I suppose enough of it gets through that someone looks at it, and even clicks on it, otherwise why keep sending it?

Anyhow, it nudged me to have a look at my own spam – 396 messages in the last day, as at just before I started writing.

If one takes spam as some sort of commentary on where I have clicked over ten years on the worldwide web then clearly I am a very peculiar person indeed.

First up, someone wants to sell me on the idea of hiring a private jet rather than buying a plane ticket. Er, from my quiet suburban block in Melbourne I must sadly inform you, ain’t gonna happen.

An astonishing number of people seem to think I need an immediate combination of tranquilisers, vitamins, erection medication and a penis extension. I am not complimented. Someone has been talking, and I suspect I know who.

Apparently the world is also full of sexy single girls who are literally slavering at the mouth for me to click on them, flirt with them, and generally pay them attention? Who knew? A sizeable proportion of them appear to be Russian and Ukrainian. All of them are winsome blonde 115 lb beauties with tits straining against unbuttoned cotton shirts like watermelons, legs that project their torso into a low earth orbit, and a deep desire to marry strangers. Zdravstvujtye, girls. Sorry, but I don’t think my back is up to it.

Apparently I have also won about nine multi-million lotteries that I was automatically entered for in the last 24 hours. All they need is my bank account details. May have to re-think the private jet.

AT&T want to give me a smartphone for 1¢, someone wants me to become an Ultrasound Tech, head RIGHT NOW to their handbag and jewellery story, (pardon?), some very worried Christians are insistently concerned about the destination of my soul – I didn’t go near the Russians, OK, guys? Give me a break! – and I apparently also have the choice of dating a millionaire or a sexy over 50s single.

It doesn’t specify whether dating a millionaire over 50s single is an option. I am very worried that if a millionaire can’t get laid without resorting to a website then he (or in the unlikely event, she) is probably an MBA, too. Married But Available. Sorry, no thanks.

Banks want to triple my first deposit – casinos even more so. The University of Phoenix is very determined to get me there to study for my undergraduate degree, apparently unfazed by the fact that I am (a) 55, (b) already have two undergraduate degrees, (c) live quite contentedly in Australia, and (d) can’t think of anywhere else I rather live less than Arizona. (Nothing against the place, really, just too damn hot by a factor of 10.)

Similarly, I only have to CLICK HERE NOW to start an exciting and fulfilling new career in law enforcement. Really? I mean, really? What are you going to do, use me to block the alley while you chase the crims down it? Coz I would be hard pressed following them at a decent lick down the sidewalk. Maybe you want me for my forensic brain? Please explain.

Cards, Coffee, Canadian Pharmacies, Car Loans, Christian Singles, Crazy Vegas, Cell Phones, Credit Check, Cougar Dating, Cash by the bucketload and above all Credit, Credit, Credit.

And that’s just the Cs.

Somewhat annoyingly, there were no minor Nigerian royalty or grieving widows wanting me to unload their $90 million in lost inheritance money into my Australian bank account for them, which quite disappointed me. Prince Onabogo Abungo has been a friendly correspondent for so long. Lift your game, Nigeria.

I got quite excited when I saw I had won – not exactly sure how – a $100 gift voucher to a lobster restaurant. Shame it’ll cost me $1495 to get there and use it.

So much nonsense. And I think spam gives Spam a bad name. You know, the real Spam. In a can with that sunny little windy can key un-doing thingy that was always guaranteed to break off with the can only one-quarter open.

SPAM

An early SPAM tin. See the key? Guaranteed to leave you with lacerated fingers. Oh. How we laughed, back in the day.

Yes, I remember the original Spam fondly. That strange, frighteningly pink, salt-engorged tinned “spiced ham” that was always kept in the cupboard for a rainy day, so good sliced with home-made chips and a fried egg, or slathered in HP sauce in a sandwich, or, battered and frittered as finger food on cold winter nights for those who never could spell c-h-o-l-e-s-t-e-r-o-l, or simply couldn’t be bothered.

Salr-reduced SPAM

Salt-reduced SPAM. Scandalous. I mean, really, what IS the point? Bloody nanny state.

They still sell it in the supermarket up the road. Sometimes I sneak a tin into the trolley, but I never quite summon up the courage to open it. Clearly Spam needs a PR makeover. Like below.

Spam Sushi

Sushi made with SPAM? Someone else recognises its gourmet potential. Oh, those crazy wacky Japanese.

It sits there in the larder, presumably with about 900 years of useful shelf life ahead of it through the action of the preservatives and additives that make a list a mile long in tiny type on its label, usually pushed shamefacedly to the back behind the pasta sauces, but occasionally surfacing like a cork bobbing on some grocery ocean, reminding me of my baser, younger self, of a time when I didn’t watch what I ate, let alone what I did. The inexorable, unstoppable youth who wasn’t paying attention and suddenly got old.

Come to think of it, maybe spam and Spam aren’t that dis-similar after all. I’ve outgrown them both. How sad.

What’s your best or worst spam of recent days? Do share.

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Comments
  1. This is the first page of my Spam – further along it seems I would be a good counsellor or social worker .

    I once went to a job listing site and got calls from colleges for a month.

    METLIFE INSURANCE OFFER Attachments MetLife $250,000 Term Life Insurance for as little as $14 a month!*

    Curvaceous Singles Want a taste of the dating scene? Find voluptuous singles in your area

    Big Beautiful Connection Looking for the apple of your eye? Find curvy singles in your area Tue

    What can you accomplish in the next two years?

    NEGLECTED AND LONELY HOUSEWIVES SEARCHING FOR LOVE

    LOAN MANAGER Attachments $1000 Overnight- Realtime Response in 4 Minutes!

    Loan Approval Center Up to $2,500 NOW. Bad or NO Credit OK. Mon,

    Mature Singles Dating Local singles over 40. Sign up and search in minutes

    Dating Over 40 Everyone needs a companion. Find yours here

    Love in Golden Years Find love in your golden years

    Better Websites Are You Losing Money On Your Website?

    Oil Change Coupons Oil change coupons – Print coupons and save!

    Overstocked Auction iPads, Macbooks & Kindles Under $20! Mon,

    University of Phoenix Earn Your Degree While You Earn A Living Sun, 1

    Classes USA Info Too Busy to Go Back to School? Take Classes Online!

    Unread Cable TV Deals High Speed Plans Starting at $14.95/MO. Bundles Available

    Unread Match.com View Singles in Your Area Free at Match.com

    Cheap Auto Insurance Switch & Save Up To $577 – 1min Easy Quote

    MarryMe Dating Date Succesful Men & Beautiful Women Near You

    Medicare Open Enroll Deadline – Verify Your Benefits, Eligibility & Enrollment

    SeniorPeopleMeet Dating View Photos of Senior Singles Near You!

    MetLife Flexible & Cost Efficient Solutions for Life Insurance Needs

    Unread Asian Singles Find Local Asians Now! Browse Profiles for Free

    Unread Cable TV Deals High Speed Plans Starting At $14.95/MO. Bundles

    pplied Bank Visa Card VISA Business Card – 60 Second Application!

    Like

  2. […] I’ll show you my spam if you’ll show me yours. […]

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  3. jvdix says:

    Well, here’s one day of mine, minus one, which is a bill I need to pay that somehow got into the SPAM folder by mistake (and that is why I check my SPAM at least daily and keep it pretty well cleaned out):

    Gold Financial Tue, 12/16/36
    TRANSUNION, EQUIFAX, EXPERIAN CREDIT SCORES Thu, 11/22/12
    Configure the dedicated server or private server you need fast and easy!
    Up to 85% off ink and toner and free shipping option
    You may be eligible to receive a power chair or scooter at little to no cost
    Start studying to earn your degree in a medical billing and coding program.
    POLITICO:
    File your Social Security disability claim faster – Attorney Advertisement
    Carrier Roundtable: State of the LTCi Industry
    Take paralegal courses or earn your paralegal certification online.
    Search & Find Hot Local Girls Now!
    Fight your hair loss
    Obama wins….Veterans now qualify for lower mortgage rates
    Genworth In-service Withdrawals Webinar
    VitaGel Strength and Recovery by Gelish In Stock
    Great Deals on Your Favorite Printing Brands
    Joanne,The 1st Heat Wave Sale?80% Off Pandora Beads+$3.79 All Italian Charms +$19.99 Finished Beads Bracelets
    My Comic Page 11/13/2012
    Start studying to earn your degree in a medical billing and coding program.
    Gold and Silver Exposed. Agents and Advisors offer Gold Coins & Bars and Make Extra $4500 plus per month
    File your Social Security disability claim faster – Attorney Advertisement
    Don’t let your funds go unclaimed
    Per te: Ricerca confronto dei migliori mutui e richiesta informazioni g
    Replica Watches Online for Blowout Sale Prices!
    Do you need to find a new dentist?
    FROM DIPLOMAT ANDY COLE?
    Only 5 Weeks for Christmas Delivery – Holiday Specials!
    You can earn an online degree in two years or less – Details
    Learn a Language in 10 days – Complimentary shipping
    We found M. Short
    Find out why thousands of top agents choose American Equity! ||
    Take paralegal courses or earn your paralegal certification online.
    $250,000 Term Life Coverage for less than $15 per mo
    Obama lowers mortgage rates again
    Earn your certificate. Mon,
    Canadian Pharmacy : Viagra + CIALIS !! Fri, 1/4/80

    Do note the date stamps which I left in at the top and bottom – one of the funnier things, I think. The one that wants to send me USD12.5 million is the one from Diplomat Andy Cole (there’s always one, isn’t there?). The one that is dated in 2036 wants me to click in it (yeah, right). The one in Italian I thought was charming, but not charming enough for me to open. Several are actually from companies i have dealt with. The total batch is pretty blah, I think. Not as entertaining as yours.

    I expect you know that SPAM – the edible kind – is a delicacy in Hawaii and often served on holidays, with fresh pineapple.

    Like

  4. […] is a very amusing take on the topic of Spam which as regular readers will know I also covered off a couple of weeks ago. Sweet Mother is a very funny and well written blog generally, and I recommend […]

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