So why WOULD you send me not one but two Cut-o-Matics?

Posted: July 19, 2012 in Popular Culture et al
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Not one Chop-o-Matic but two … just $49.95 … there’s a pattern here … no, don’t tell me … it’s a ritual thing … it only occurs late at night … wait, I’m seeing it.

Late night TV and mild insomnia has certain advantages. One is the questionable opportunity to watch those truly dreadful direct response TV ads that endear themselves to you – not – by interrupting the otherwise excellent Wire in the Blood with Robson Green.

What I really love are those ads for kitchen tools that you will never use, and if you did they would break in an instant, and even if they didn’t, you know full well that your new Cut-o-Matics never, ever going to turn out perfect diced carrots, sliced apples, curly-fries and whatever, because once in your hands all such devices turn into weapons of vegetable destruction. They are going to reduce all your veggies to mush, and take the ends of three of your fingers for good measure. But never matter, they look good. And at $49,95, you have to admit it’s a real snip, containing, as it does, at least 20 cents worth of prime Chinese plastic.

But look at this! If I call in the next five minutes (How about in six minutes? Would you turn me down? Really? Now, really?) I’ll get not one but two Cut-o-Matics for one quick and easy payment of $49.95.

OK. See, this is my problem. I could hardly make use of one Cut-o-Matic, really, because I can’t see why one can’t just use a knife and a chopping board, and now you want to send me two. What am I supposed to do with the second one? I haven’t got room for one on my kitchen bench top, let alone two. Give it away? What type of guy do you think I am? I can see that being re-gifted in a heartbeat, despite its amazing seven interchangeable blades and easy-clean interior, or perhaps because of them.

Why not just sell me one Cut-o-Matic for $24.98? Seriously. I need to know this. I realise now I have always needed to know.

Lower price point, bigger take up, surely?

I am not going to sleep tonight unless I work this out. Please. Gods of direct advertising. Tell … me …!

If you tell me in the next five minutes, I’ll post this identical blog tomorrow as well. Now can I say fairer than that, Guv?

PS There really are devices called Cut-O-Matics in the world, something to do with slicing paper and cardboard, and I am sure they are really, really nice and work well. And I suspect people only buy them one at a time. This isn’t, er, that. Do not sue me. Thank you.

  1. rbhexem says:

    I think you think too much, that’s what I think. You should get help for that insomnia, then you wouldn’t have to think so much. I bet all that thinking gives you a headache, doesn’t it?


  2. You can do all of THIS in 15 minutes . Sure I can .If I don’t wash the damn thing between beets , bacon and crushed Ice.


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