Posts Tagged ‘tits’

Wellthisiswhatithink has a confession to make: we have not read Fifty Shades of Grey, nor its sequels.

Charlie Hunnam

Charlie Hunnam

We have nothing, per se, against Dominant-Submissive kinkyness if it’s what floats yer boat, we just simply can’t abide poorly-written prose.

Dakota

Dakota Johnson

There’s too much good prose we don’t get time to read as it is. Let alone finding time for our true love, poetry.

So many people whose opinions we respect have assured us that the series is awful that we really can’t be bothered to set ourselves up for disappointment, no matter how many bedside tables the books have ended up on, discretely hidden beneath the Sunday papers.

(The same is admittedly not true of our TV viewing habits. In Chez Wellthisiswhatithink, we breathlessly await the next in the Spartacus series, which presumably will be called something like “Spartacus: Sorry, The Hero Died In The Last Series, So There’s No Attempt At A Story, Just Plenty Of Tits and Blood All Over The Screen”. Hoo-hah. I strongly suspect the next series of Game of Thrones, with half the cast now slaughtered, will be similarly enjoyable.)

However, despite our misgivings FSOG (as it is known by the cogniscenti) has captivated its (mainly female) audience, and I suppose anything that prompts people to read is a “Good Thing” (capital G, capital T), and anything that simultaneously encourages people to be less uptight about sex is a “Very Good Thing” (capital V, G and T).

(Actually, contradicting ourselves promptly, we admit we even quite enjoyed the Twilight saga while conceding to anyone who asked why we had our head buried in them that the books were not great literature. Then again, and that said, we could hardly turn a page without wanting to throttle the ever-more-pathetic Bella Swann, a desire which transferred instantly to her on-screen avatar, Kristen Stewart.)

We will also, Dear Reader, gloss over the fact that fire brigades everywhere are being called to suburban homes to free people who have locked themselves to the bed in handcuffs and then forgotten that they’ve left the key out of reach. (Hang on a minute, guys. Aren’t you supposed to be doing this with someone? Ed.)

Such is the price, one supposes, of life imitating art, imitating life, er …

Anyhow: on effort alone we should say “well done” to authoress EJ James, who must be, by now, a very wealthy lady indeed, and get onto the point of this story.

The point of the story is that after months of fevered speculation, we now know the two major leads for the much-touted movie, at least.

Johnson and Hunnam

Johnson and Hunnam, er, again. Cute, huh?

Dakota Johnson, who appeared in The Social Network and 21 Jump Street as well as the Fox show Ben and Kate, has been officially cast as Anastasia Steele. Her male counterpart, Christian Grey, will be played by none other than Charlie Hunnam, star of Pacific Rim and Sons of Anarchy.

The film is set for an August 2014 release, with a screenplay by Kelly Marcell. Despite the story obviously including a vast raft of sexual matter, the team working on the movie are determined to ensure it achieves an “R” (not “X”) rating in North America.

While women have been breathlessly awaiting the identity of Christian Grey, almost as much interest has been generated by the choice of Ms. Johnson to play his submissive virgin lover.

Her first notable screen role was in the multi-Academy Award-winning 2010 feature The Social Network and subsequent films include the upcoming feature Need for Speed, 21 Jump Street, and Universal Pictures’ The Five-Year Engagement. She also starred as Kate in the Fox Network comedy series Ben and Kate, which aired during the 2012-2013 season, and is currently shooting the feature film Cymbeline.

Former model Johnson is the daughter of Miami Vice star Don Johnson and Oscar-nominated actress Melanie Griffith, and had her screen debut with her mother in the 1999 film Crazy in Alabama.

Anyway, they’re both very pretty, which I’m sure is all that most of the audience will be worrying about. When it comes out we are equally sure it will mercilessly panned by critics, and go on to make squillions.

The roles were apparently two of the most desired of the current season, and the producers have received some praise for casting relatively un-known actors (we did say, relatively) to do the heavy lifting for the forecast blockbuster.

Meanwhile, other producers will have to wait awhile before capitalising on the young talent’s sudden super-stardom.

Word is, they’re going to be tied up for a bit.

(Sorry. Ed.)

For reasons which elude us, Dear Reader, the irony of a bunch of women burning their bras while, er, wearing bras, was lost on this group of 1970s women. Oh, the humanity of it all.

For reasons which elude us, Dear Reader, the irony of a bunch of women burning their bras while, er, wearing bras, was lost on this group of 1970s women. Oh, the humanity of it all.

A study involving 330 women aged 18 to 35 has concluded that, “medically, physiologically, and anatomically,” breasts are not benefiting from the near-constant wearing of bras. That’s to say that, according to this study, women who didn’t wear a bra regularly actually experienced less “sagging” over time, greater comfort, and less back pain. Wait, what?

Jennifer Lopez

Jennifer Lopez takes the campaign to the streets, suitably protected.

As you’ve probably noticed, this story is causing quite a stir on the internet, with many people not buying the research.

Here to add to the debate is Dr. Stafford Broumand, a plastic surgeon at Mount Sinai Medical Center.

Says Broumand: “On the surface, this claim seems plausible. For younger women, not wearing a bra will lead to increased collagen production and elasticity, which improves lift in a developing breast.

Also, tension on the connective tissue and ligaments supporting the breast can be beneficial to prevent sagging.”

But, according to Dr. Broumand, the same is not true of older or pregnant women because that collagen and supportive tissue is going away no matter what — a bra provides the necessary support that your bust has lost with age.

As blog Refinery 29 notes: “We all love our bras — and while you might have originally signed on because your mom politely suggested things were getting, er, out of hand, chances are now you’re in it for the lace, the frills, the fancy patterns, and colors that look great under your favorite sheer blouse. But did you ever consider what your lovely lingerie is doing to your health? No? Well, that’s what science is for.

Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan demonstrates that contrary to scurrilous assertions to the contrary, she cares very much about her health.

A study involving 330 women aged 18 to 35 has concluded that, “medically, physiologically, and anatomically,” breasts are not benefiting from the near-constant wearing of bras. That’s to say that, according to this study, women who didn’t wear a bra regularly actually experienced less “sagging” over time, greater comfort, and less back pain. Wait, what?

“If a woman begins wearing a bra from the moment breasts appear, the suspension muscles don’t work correctly, and tissues slacken,” explains a Mr. Rouillon, who oversaw the study.

So, it’s essentially an issue of dependence, in his view.

But, he notes, this is still a very preliminary study and not representative of women in general.

Women have ditched their bras in the past in the name of liberation, (see above), but will the trend now come back around under the guise of health and beauty? Frankly, we’re not so sure a bra is going to make a huge difference either way when it comes to your aged bosom, and certainly many women start wearing bras specifically to avoid back pain.

Well, for now, Refinery 29 is healthily sceptical. But I suspect, especially for young women, there may be some wise knowledge in this.

After all, if breasts are supported daily from the moment of their appearance, then it makes sense that the body doesn’t bother holding the breasts up for itself.

What Wellthisiswhatithink wants now is a study to see if women who discarded their bras (at least for a while) in the 70s have, er, less gravitational impact than women who wore them all the way through. They wouldn’t have been involved in this study, and frankly, we think the people should be told.

Meanwhile, we stress that our interest in seeing young women spending periods not wearing a bra is, er, purely out of an unselfish interest in their long-term health outcomes. Honest.

And don’t shoot the messenger. Our role is merely to report fearlessly.

Meanwhile, in related news, apparently smoking can make your nipples fall off – this is the astonishing claim by Dr Anthony Youn, one of American’s top plastic surgeons.

The practitioner from Detroit, Michigan, was quick to point out this applied to patients who underwent breast lifts to perk up their chests. He said the nicotine and carbon monoxide taken in during smoking can disrupt blood flow to different parts of the body and so disrupts the healing process following surgery.

The toxins can act as a ‘virtual tourniquet’ and effectively kill a body part by stopping blood from reaching it.

nipple bra

The perfect solution if you smoked after your breast implant. Sadly the product came and went in the 70s. In those days, presumably, it was so you could join your sistahs in demonstrating bra-less freedom while, er, still wearing a bra. Honestly, who knows? Anyone remember?

Speaking to CNN Health, Dr Youn said: ‘I cringe every time I see a patient for a breast lift who is a smoker.

‘I’m deathly afraid that despite my warnings, she will smoke before or after surgery and cause her nipples to turn black and fall off.

‘I’ve seen it before,’ he claimed.

Dr Youn said he treated one female smoker whose nipples had turned purple after smoking caused the tiny veins in the breast to fail, leading to a backup of old blood. Left untreated they could have turned black and fallen off.

He had to resort to using leeches over several days to suck out the old blood and so restore the woman’s nipples to a healthy pink.

He told CNN he now made sure all of his patients understood the dire outcomes that could result from smoking following a cosmetic operation.

‘If you are having a breast lift or reduction and you smoke, your nipples could turn black and fall off. If you are having a tummy tuck and you smoke, you may get an infection resulting in a big gross open wound that will take three months to heal.”

Crikey. Ladies, you have been warned.

Meanwhile, Wellthisiswhatithink has a courteous word of advice for all women.

Remember, 99% of men (or women so inclined) will love your breasts whether they are big, small, somewhere in between, pointy, point-less, looking up, looking down, sideways, inwards, outwards, one bigger than another … etc. etc.

It’s always a privilege if we get to see them, and we will be happy. There’s a reason that in moments of brazen cheeriness people have been known to call them “fun bags”. Please, relax. Just do what works for you. We are content.

But don’t smoke. That’s horrid.

This is one of the few photos Google can find of Cinthia with her clothes on. Oh, those crazy, wacky Argentines.

This is one of the few photos Google can find of Cinthia with her clothes on. Oh, those crazy, wacky Argentines, eh? We’d swap Las Malvinas for the Cinthia any old day. Oil schmoil.

This is – er – well, let’s just say, if Dancing With The Stars was like this everywhere, it would be the top rating show on TV.

As one Argentinian put it, “this is the worst show on our TV, but everyone watches it”.

As one US website opined:

You know how we feel about your secret viewing of Dancing with the Stars on TV. Just keep it to yourself and we’re all good.

But if we’re talking dancing shows down Sudamericana way, then we can chat about this shizz til our mamas tell us it’s time to come home, because they are making dancing shows most definitely watchable by men.

Apparently the young lady’s name is Cinthia Fernandez. Programs such as Bailando por un Sueno and other risque dance TV content continue to feature hotties stripping down to their oiled bodies beneath and pretending to shock the pretend judges all of whom are in on this wondrous conspiracy to turn dancing into a thing for guys.

The video is worth watching just for the look on the host’s face, which is priceless, as the two young people, you know, do their thang.

It’s art, I tell you. Sorta. Don’t say you haven’t been warned. Needless to say, Dear Reader, your faithful correspondent is shocked and appalled.

(Our thanks to eagle-eyed Colin Haycock for spotting this.)

I am always being asked – usually very grumpily – why I fulminate on matters outside the borders of Australia by people who obviously believe that none of us have the right to speak truth (OK, I will concede, “our version of the truth”) to citizens of other countries.

And my stock response is, “Because I believe countries are artificial constructions, and I don’t think national boundaries should prevent the free flow of opinion, as we are all, first Citizens of the Wor4ld, not citizens of wherever we happen to live …” which always produces howls of derision from those who originally asked why I dared to say what I think, and murmurs of approval from anyone else.

And one day, recently, a very nice person in another forum where I post links to the blog – Linked In – kindly remarked that she thought I “am the bravest person posting in Linked In – I know it’s scary, but you keep raising important issues.”

I should warn you, everyone, one comment like that can keep me spouting off for a year or more.

Anyhow, here’s your real answer, Dear Reader. You just seem to be an amazingly international person … so I try and include content (or opinion) from all over the world, providing I think the content is important, or I can think of anything relevant to add to it.

How funny that orange is my favourite colour …

As I have explained many times, by far the most regular readers of my blog are Americans, who read my blog more than three times as much as my fellow Aussies.

From a country as saturated as media as it is, I consider this a great compliment, as it implies they think someone this far away has something relevant to say to them.

Either that or they’re masochists and they just love to hate me.

Whatever their reasons, I am grateful for the continual support from the good ol’ US of A. And the next biggest bunch of readers are from my old homeland in the UK, who also out poll the Aussies. This is perhaps understandable as once, deep – deep – in the last Millenium, I had something of a public profile in the Old Dart, but it is humbling and heart-warming to know that after 25 years as an Aussie they are still remotely concerned about what I think.

Either that, or my articles on sausages strike a chord.

Looking at the map, the sheer reach of blogging in the Internet age becomes clear. My words – or yours, if I have been re-blogging something – reach into almost every corner of the planet, which is something I find really quite awe-inspiring. Places I shall presumably never visit nevertheless know a little of me, virtually, at least. And whilst I recognise that the Internet can be something of a curate’s egg as far as information gathering goes – after all, how do you judge whether what you read is valid, true, biased, or … what? – it is without any doubt a remarkable step forward for the free and unsupervised dissemination of information.

Or at least, the attempted dissemination.

The Great Firewall of China has me blocked, for example. Which is quite bizarre, as I have visited China a number of times, I like the country and its people, and I wish both well as they continue their great strides onto the world stage. Or maybe I am blocked because all of WordPress is, just in case. But I think it’s me, because before my friends over there started reporting that they couldn’t read my work, fully six of them had done so. Mine was a star that shone very momentarily over the Oldest of Old Kingdoms. Hong Kong, however, can read me, and does. How curious.

I think it’s totally brilliant – totes brill as Fruit of One’s Loins would have it -  that WordPress provide one with these stats, partly out of my sheer fascination in trawling them, but also because if one covers a topic concerning, say Sri Lanka, then one can track the sudden up-tick of interest from that country as the story crawls its way from computer to computer. They also tell you what search terms most often bring people to one’s pages, and yes, Dear Reader, the top one on mine is still “tits”, and long may it be so.

(Stick tits into the search box at the top left on this site and you’ll see why.)

Interesting anomalies occur all the time. Sweden delivers about double the hits that I get from their neighbours Norway and Finland. I really am curious as to why – presumably it is a matter of population, internet access, English language skills and stuff like that. But I also wonder if it is because I post semi-regularly on the cases of Bradley Manning, the provider and founder of Wikileaks, respectively, and Assange is assuredly of interest in Sweden for various reasons.

What is also interesting is the very few countries that are not represented on the map at all, as they indicate with clarity where some of the poorest nations of the world are. Sub-saharan and central Africa especially. Or where internet access is simply impossible.

I see you there, little singular net surfing person, I see you, shakin’ dat mouse.

A whole bunch of places, although the list is getting smaller the longer the blog stays up, have recorded just one hit on the blog in the last 11 months.

One little idle, solitary flick of a finger, one man or woman, who I see in my mind’s eye, hunched over their laptop or desktop in the dark, screen glowing, hungrily gobbling up my profound thoughts on Angela Merkel, President Obama, the food we will be eating in 40 years, vaginal surgery, the mauling of the English language, the weather in Australia (and climate change generally) or – whatever.

I do hope you will drop by again, my solitary visitor from Djibouti, Lesotho, the Islamic Republic of Iran, Samoa, Togo, Aruba, Dominica, Lichtenstein, the Federated States of Micronesia, Angola, Haiti, Guadeloupe, Kyrgyzstan, the Solomon Islands, and last but by no means least, Vatican City.

Your voices need to be heard, and very often, I suspect, they need to be heard much more than mine does.

Then again, you could just be searching for tits, in which case, welcome aboard.

Post scriptum: I nearly forgot to mention that this is also my four hundred and oneth blog in a little over a year, and I could not have done it without all the feedback, positive and negative, so thanks very much! WordPress has stopped sending me little “gee up”  messages as I pass each milestone, which is a bit sad, really. They’ve obviously decided I am hooked. All gee up messages, therefore, gratefully received.

Funny thing to do because you are perfectly capable, Dear Reader, in looking round the blog yourself. But with 270 new blogs in a year that’s a lot of searching, so all the “Blogging Basics” sites say I must give you a guide that you can go look through, so here it is.

Er, nope. Never happened. Nice painting though.

Er, nope. Never happened. Nice painting though.

By far the most popular blog of the year on any one day was http://wellthisiswhatithink.wordpress.com/2012/10/01/its-official-adam-and-eve-er-werent/ which garnered nearly 5,000 hits in one day (out of an annual total of more than 77,000 in 2012) when a very senior Archbishop in the Roman Catholic Church revealed what the rest of us with brains have known forever and a day anyway, which is that Genesis is true only in the sense that is is a moral fable, and not in the sense that the world was created in 7 days, or that Eve came from Adam’s rib, or that all the horrors of the world arose from munching a forbidden apple.

The really interesting thing about this story, of course, is that theologically speaking when we allow any part of the Bible text to be considered mythological then we have no argument that any other part of the Bible might not also be mythological.

Hence, just to pick a few major ones – bye bye Noah and capturing two of every living creature on the earth (including all bacteria, all 8000 species of ants, etc.), cya later Lot offering his virgin daughters to the crowd, not to mention the fact that Joshua collapsing the walls of Jericho couldn’t have happened because archaeology reveals the place was deserted when Joshua was around. Great story – good song – historical nonsense.

It seems we will just have to do what the 19th and 20th century “modernist” or “critical” theologians wanted us to do, which is read the Bible with the benefit of modern textual analysis, studying the original languages not the translations, (which, for example, can be used to argue that the Bible actually says nothing at all about gays) and taking full advantage of archaeology when we can.

The article on Adam and Eve was also the second most popular article overall of the whole year.

I think we have more to worry about than whether a Secret Serviceman did or did not employ a prostitute. Like: HIV, violence, drug addiction, social dislocation.

I think we have more to worry about than whether a Secret Serviceman did or did not employ a prostitute. Like: HIV, violence, drug addiction, social dislocation. And more.

The most popular article for the whole year was http://wellthisiswhatithink.wordpress.com/2012/04/22/the-secret-serviceman-and-the-prostitute-whats-the-real-scandal/.

I’d like to think this was all about my thoughtful analysis of hypocrisy in American moral values, the role of prostitution in modern society, the role of the media in drumming up salacious gossip, and the relationship between poverty and the sex trade.

However checking out my stats closely I suspect it’s just because the word prostitute is often typed into search engines, and the story duly pops up.

Similar big scores have been gathered with articles about tits, and even bum.

One would despair, were it not for the fact that I know that some people read the article seriously.

Similarly, promising to ignore injunctions and show people Princess Catherine of Wales (aka Kate Middleton) topless and then bottomless worked well to drum up passing trade, though I doubt many of the people who clicked on the links got the point of my tongue in cheek effort.

The third most popular post of the year was this “Gratuitously Offensive Politically Incorrect Joke”, which I still think is very funny, (it’s also a paraprosdokian by the way, and there are some more of them here, which is probably why I like it so much), and scores very highly with anyone searching for Angela Merkel in Google and so on, so the Bundesnachrichtendienst have probably given me the once-over, but decided I am harmless.

Snookie, Chelsea the Borgias and Big Tits was the fourth most popular article of the year, and has been in the Top Ten most popular almost every day of the year. I a eagerly awaiting the next series of the Borgias, not to mention the next series of Downton Abbey and Throne of Kings. I don’t mind crap TV, so long as it’s good quality crap. A lot of you seemed to agree with me that Jeremy Irons and the Crew give good crap. Snookie and the Crew? Not so much. I wish, actually, I had been a TV reviewer, which is, of course, one of the most sought after positions in journalism. Do we think it is too late, Dear Reader? Hell, no!

Last but by no means least – in fifth place – was what I have decided was the WINNER of Advertising F*** Up of the Year, in fact the very first of the series which proved incredibly popular with readers. To save you clicking back to last January, here it is:

The first poster is for a road safety campaign where Daddy has crashed his car and died. The one right next to it is for a notorious lap dancing club. I mean, really?

The first poster is for a road safety campaign where Daddy has crashed his car and died. The one right next to it is for a notorious lap dancing club. I mean, really? Really?

The Advertising F*** Up series were undoubtedly the most popular series of articles in the year. To access them, just type “F***” into the search box and they’ll all be listed for you. (Saves me doing it.)

I am enormously grateful for all the supporters of the Blog, all those who have commented, who have argued, who have provided elucidation, and who have laughed and loved. It is most popular in the USA, in the UK, and in my home country of Australia, and I guess that is inevitable. But in all, people in 172 countries read the blog, which I personally find quite humbling and astonishing, and the free spread of ideas and opinions must surely be the greatest boon the Internet has given the world.

I am especially proud, in the year just gone, for the work we were able to do on awareness to do with bullying, and Alzheimer’s, on clean water for the poor of the world, and on women’s rights. I am also very glad my feverish campaigning for Obama came out on the right side of history, and I hope his second term is more impressive than his first, which is often the case. Let us hope and pray for wisdom for all our political leaders, as the world is a long way from being out of the woods yet – economically, and politically.

I bitterly regret that my warnings on Syria, which predated most commentators in the world, were ignored, but I only have a very small lectern and it is a big world. And anyway, the world only listens when it wants to. Yesterday the United Nations estimated that 60,000 have died in this completely avoidable conflict thus far, and unless Assad’s Alawite regime can be persuaded to decamp to the safe haven of Iran pretty damn quickly that figure could still rise exponentially.  It was – and is – all so unnecessary, and so awfully, inexorably predictable.

I am also grateful for the opportunity to showcase my poetry and creative writing. Thank you for all the kind comments.

I am Bradley Manning. Are you?

I am Bradley Manning. Are you?

As the blog tipped over from 2011 into 2012, I was still deeply distressed by the murderous execution of Troy Davis, campaigning against which had occupied – unsuccessfully – so much of the start of the blog. This year, I have watched with increasing horror as the might of the modern American state has born down relentlessly on Bradley Manning, the well-meaning and honourable serviceman who set off the Wikileaks scandal by releasing for public gaze tens of thousands of classified snippets of information. Expect to hear a lot more about his case in the coming weeks, not least why I believe the man is a modern hero who should be feted, not crucified.

I am still Troy Davis. I am now Bradley Manning.

Happy New Year, Dear Reader.

This is Olga. She’s 20 years old, and apparently having great difficulty finding a nice man to marry in Russia. She is especially keen, I am told, to meet with a good mannered 50+ near-broke writer in Australia for ze making of the babies.

I was watching TV the other day – the inestimable “QI” with Stephen Fry, surely the most charming and funny show on TV – and he asked the contestants what the commonest use of the internet was for. Predictably, they answered “Porn” and “Email” and “Facebook”.

In fact, the answer was “spam”. Yes, that occasionally hilarious and mystifying mass of unwanted emails, which apparently accounts for some 80% of all internet traffic. Staggering, really.

Which is fascinatingly, I suppose, as I am sure most of us never look at it.

Internet filters are so effective now that it all just piles up un-seen and un-loved in our spam inbox, and is then automatically deleted after it has festered there awhile. Or at least, most of it must be, but I suppose enough of it gets through that someone looks at it, and even clicks on it, otherwise why keep sending it?

Anyhow, it nudged me to have a look at my own spam – 396 messages in the last day, as at just before I started writing.

If one takes spam as some sort of commentary on where I have clicked over ten years on the worldwide web then clearly I am a very peculiar person indeed.

First up, someone wants to sell me on the idea of hiring a private jet rather than buying a plane ticket. Er, from my quiet suburban block in Melbourne I must sadly inform you, ain’t gonna happen.

An astonishing number of people seem to think I need an immediate combination of tranquilisers, vitamins, erection medication and a penis extension. I am not complimented. Someone has been talking, and I suspect I know who.

Apparently the world is also full of sexy single girls who are literally slavering at the mouth for me to click on them, flirt with them, and generally pay them attention? Who knew? A sizeable proportion of them appear to be Russian and Ukrainian. All of them are winsome blonde 115 lb beauties with tits straining against unbuttoned cotton shirts like watermelons, legs that project their torso into a low earth orbit, and a deep desire to marry strangers. Zdravstvujtye, girls. Sorry, but I don’t think my back is up to it.

Apparently I have also won about nine multi-million lotteries that I was automatically entered for in the last 24 hours. All they need is my bank account details. May have to re-think the private jet.

AT&T want to give me a smartphone for 1¢, someone wants me to become an Ultrasound Tech, head RIGHT NOW to their handbag and jewellery story, (pardon?), some very worried Christians are insistently concerned about the destination of my soul – I didn’t go near the Russians, OK, guys? Give me a break! – and I apparently also have the choice of dating a millionaire or a sexy over 50s single.

It doesn’t specify whether dating a millionaire over 50s single is an option. I am very worried that if a millionaire can’t get laid without resorting to a website then he (or in the unlikely event, she) is probably an MBA, too. Married But Available. Sorry, no thanks.

Banks want to triple my first deposit – casinos even more so. The University of Phoenix is very determined to get me there to study for my undergraduate degree, apparently unfazed by the fact that I am (a) 55, (b) already have two undergraduate degrees, (c) live quite contentedly in Australia, and (d) can’t think of anywhere else I rather live less than Arizona. (Nothing against the place, really, just too damn hot by a factor of 10.)

Similarly, I only have to CLICK HERE NOW to start an exciting and fulfilling new career in law enforcement. Really? I mean, really? What are you going to do, use me to block the alley while you chase the crims down it? Coz I would be hard pressed following them at a decent lick down the sidewalk. Maybe you want me for my forensic brain? Please explain.

Cards, Coffee, Canadian Pharmacies, Car Loans, Christian Singles, Crazy Vegas, Cell Phones, Credit Check, Cougar Dating, Cash by the bucketload and above all Credit, Credit, Credit.

And that’s just the Cs.

Somewhat annoyingly, there were no minor Nigerian royalty or grieving widows wanting me to unload their $90 million in lost inheritance money into my Australian bank account for them, which quite disappointed me. Prince Onabogo Abungo has been a friendly correspondent for so long. Lift your game, Nigeria.

I got quite excited when I saw I had won – not exactly sure how – a $100 gift voucher to a lobster restaurant. Shame it’ll cost me $1495 to get there and use it.

So much nonsense. And I think spam gives Spam a bad name. You know, the real Spam. In a can with that sunny little windy can key un-doing thingy that was always guaranteed to break off with the can only one-quarter open.

SPAM

An early SPAM tin. See the key? Guaranteed to leave you with lacerated fingers. Oh. How we laughed, back in the day.

Yes, I remember the original Spam fondly. That strange, frighteningly pink, salt-engorged tinned “spiced ham” that was always kept in the cupboard for a rainy day, so good sliced with home-made chips and a fried egg, or slathered in HP sauce in a sandwich, or, battered and frittered as finger food on cold winter nights for those who never could spell c-h-o-l-e-s-t-e-r-o-l, or simply couldn’t be bothered.

Salr-reduced SPAM

Salt-reduced SPAM. Scandalous. I mean, really, what IS the point? Bloody nanny state.

They still sell it in the supermarket up the road. Sometimes I sneak a tin into the trolley, but I never quite summon up the courage to open it. Clearly Spam needs a PR makeover. Like below.

Spam Sushi

Sushi made with SPAM? Someone else recognises its gourmet potential. Oh, those crazy wacky Japanese.

It sits there in the larder, presumably with about 900 years of useful shelf life ahead of it through the action of the preservatives and additives that make a list a mile long in tiny type on its label, usually pushed shamefacedly to the back behind the pasta sauces, but occasionally surfacing like a cork bobbing on some grocery ocean, reminding me of my baser, younger self, of a time when I didn’t watch what I ate, let alone what I did. The inexorable, unstoppable youth who wasn’t paying attention and suddenly got old.

Come to think of it, maybe spam and Spam aren’t that dis-similar after all. I’ve outgrown them both. How sad.

What’s your best or worst spam of recent days? Do share.

At Wellthisiswhatithink we have a long and honourable tradition of supporting a free press.

Mother Jones has done the world a huge service with the Romney hidden video.

Julian Assange and Wikileaks have opened a window into the hidden, murky depths of world politics.

Today, we defy the naysayers, and publish two new topless photographs of Catherine Middleton, aka Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge.

We may be criticised for this. We may be told we are being irresponsible.

But we believe in a higher purpose. We believe the public has a right to know.

Yes, of course, there are serious matters to be considered. World hunger. Nuclear weapons. The Middle East. Wars and rumours of wars. But a chance to see a celebrity’s tits surely trumps those. Do people not deserve a little light relief? A glimpse of a better life?

So here, without fear or favour, are the photographs.

kate middleton topless

Guys, seriously. Get … a … life.

PS I am reliably informed by an old mate that to commemorate the release of our topless photos of Kate Middleton, Royal Doulton will be releasing a Collector’s Edition of two small jugs. *Titter* would seem an appropriate response.

Reuters reports that two topless women painted with the slogans “Olympic shame” and “No Sharia” protested in front of London’s City Hall on Thursday to draw attention to what they called “bloody Islamist regimes” taking part in the Olympics.

They were members of Ukrainian women’s rights group Femen, which has staged numerous topless protests across Europe, including at the Euro 2012 soccer tournament in Poland and Ukraine where their concern was prostitution in host cities.

“The regimes are fascists of our time, they treat women like third-class citizens,” said protester Reza Moradi, without specifying any countries. “This is what we object to, this is what they are protesting against.”

Smeared with fake blood and wearing floral wreaths on their heads, the two topless women ran around the entrance of City Hall in central London for around 10 minutes chased by a third protester before being covered up and led away in handcuffs by police officers. A spokeswoman for the International Olympic Committee (IOC) had no immediate comment.

This is not apparently not offensive.

This is not apparently not offensive.

Even this is apparently not offensive.

This is offensive. Hell, yes it is. But not for the reasons the police used.

So my question is this. Why were they led away by police officers? What law were they breaking? Why is it legal to go topless on a beach, but not outside City Hall? (Had it been New York, it would have been legal, by the way: see below.)

Most importantly, would they have been led away if they had been men, topless? Would they have been breaking any law?

After all, topless men – often with bodies that really shouldn’t see the light of day – are very common at British football matches, and in British parks, and so on.

So why is it an arrestable offence for a woman to be topless, and a man not?

Why is a woman’s body offensive, and a man’s not? Is it because female breasts are somehow “dirty”?

Why is it a furore if Janet Jackson reveals a nipple (still covered) or Madonna, but not if Mick Jagger does it?

Is it because female breasts are an erogenous zone? So it’s really all about our paranoia about matters sexual, yes? But surely that is not reason enough, as I know plenty of men who consider their own nipples to be erogenous too.

I think I have made my point. Or points, if you get my meaning.

Nipples? Tits? Get over ‘em, already.

A row of breasts

Well you try Googling a “row of breasts” and see what you come up with. Sheesh. (Incidentally, netizens, why is it OK (I presume) to show this picture with black blobs over the girl’s nipples, but risk giving offence without it? Can anyone explain to me why nipples are somehow “dirty”? Don’t we all have them? Why might it cause offence to show female nipples, but not male ones? Hmmm? Does anybody ever take these politeness issues back to first principles? What about the fact that the photo might cause offence in parts of the US, but not in most of Europe? The logic of it all gives me a headache. Discuss.

An email from a mate (who clearly feels he needs justification for staring at tits for a portion of his day) reminded me of a hoax that is still circulating around the Net (and appearing in many media outlets) since first landing in our inboxes in March / April 2000.

An example of the original email follows:

Email text contributed anonymously in April 2000:

This is not a joke. It came from the New England Journal of Medicine. Great news for girl watchers: Ogling women’s breasts is good for a man’s health and can add years to his life, medical experts have discovered. According to the New England Journal of Medicine, “Just 10 minutes of staring at the charms of a well-endowed female is roughly equivalent to a 30-minute aerobics work-out” declared gerontologist Dr. Karen Weatherby.

Dr. Weatherby and fellow researchers at three hospitals in Frankfurt, Germany, reached the startling conclusion after comparing the health of 200 male outpatients – half of whom were instructed to look at busty females daily, the other half told to refrain from doing so. The study revealed that after five years, the chest-watchers had lower blood pressure, slower resting pulse rates and fewer instances of coronary artery disease.

“Sexual excitement gets the heart pumping and improves blood circulation,” explains Dr. Weatherby. “There’s no question: Gazing at breasts makes men healthier.” “Our study indicates that engaging in this activity a few minutes daily cuts the risk of stroke and heart attack in half. We believe that by doing so consistently, the average man can extend his life four to five years.”

Sadly, don’t get your hopes up, guys. Before you mutter “Oh, those crazy whacky Germans” and fix your eyes on the nearest female, it is a joke. No such study was ever published in the New England Journal of Medicine (if you don’t believe the impeccable credentials of Wellthisiswhatithink you can check for yourself).

And a search of the thousands of peer-reviewed articles contained in the National Institutes of Health PubMed database also turns up zero items documenting the health benefits of staring at women’s breasts, and, for that matter, zero items authored by “Dr. Karen Weatherby” (who probably does not exist, so far as those hunting her down can tell).

If the story smacks of tabloid faux-journalism, well, that’s precisely what it is. The text hit the Internet in March or April 2000, mere weeks after a strikingly similar article appeared in the Weekly World News. A slightly different version had already appeared in the May 13, 1997 issue of the tabloid.

So males who wish to increase their lifespans ought to consider practicing common sense as an alternative — a walk a day is more likely to achieve the desired result than any amount of breast ogling, public or private. It seems if you want to look at women’s breasts you need a better excuse, and probably a good pair of very dark sunglasses.

Admittedly, I don’t have any medical research to back up dismissing the theory, even if it isn’t actually a theory. I mean, you know, perhaps staring at boobs could reduce stress and induce a sense of well-being? Who knows? I wouldn’t, I’m a bum man. But anything’s possible: in fact, I feel a perfectly decent PhD topic coming on. So anyone wishing to join me in a formal double-blind experiment can email me privately.  Confidentiality assured. Er …

(On the upside, me posting another article about tits will get my Google ratings way up again. Whoo-hoo. If you don’t believe me, simply search this site for the word tits. Oh, go on. You know you want to.)

Times a thousand. The first 48,000 are the hardest, they say.

How weird it is to idly click on one’s blog stats, and see that one has just clicked past a milestone.

Why is 48,000 hits a milestone? (And One. We are not forgetting you, dear One.)

Well, it’s an awful lot, innit? Well, I think it is. We last stopped to pause for thought at 25 thou. Crikey, doesn’t time fly when you’re having fun?

So why did we stop this time? Well, four and eight are also favourite numbers of mine. It is amazing to me how often good things have happened to me at either 4:08 or 8:04, am or pm, either one. Go figure, if you’ll pardon the pun.

I don’t believe in numerology. Or a whole heap of other such stuff. But dear old four and eight have never let me down. Which is generous of them, given that my lucky number is 29.

So as always when wepause to celebrate a milestone, I checked to see if 48,000 had any greater significance I had missed.

Apparently Australians spent around 48,000 years surfing the web in December. That’s 576,000 months. But there are only 15.6 million Australians with web access, so I make that 0.037 of a month, per person, or about 15 minutes per person.

Well, I can spend that long reading reviews of next week’s episode of Game of Thrones. And based on the numbers of searches for “tits” that end up on my blog, I call bullshit.

Meandering around, I also note that the Australian Greens have raised concerns over the 48,000 young people and their families who may miss out on important family payments as a result of cost cutting measures in the Federal budget.

The changes will save $360.9 million over four years by reducing the age of eligibility for FTB A, but will also leave around 48,000 young people in a position where they do not qualify for Youth Allowances and where their parents will not receive FTB A for them.

“Under the changes, parents of around 48,000 young people will lose eligibility under FTB A, but those young people will not have access to Youth Allowance or other forms of income support,” Greens spokesperson for families and community services, Senator Rachel Siewert said today.

So much for Labor worrying about “working families”. I call bullshit for the second time.

What isn’t bullshit, though, is that you, Dear Reader, have propelled us past the magic 4, 8, triple 0. And for that, we thank you. Thank you, everybody, for reading, thinking and commenting, and we will pause again for reflection at 84,000.

Keep clicking, for Gawd’s sake.

P.S  Forty eight thousand is deadly dull, but 48 is quite interesting.

Forty-eight is a double factorial of 6, a highly composite number. Like all other multiples of 6, it is a semiperfect number. 48 is the second 17-gonal number.

48 is in abundance having an aliquot sum of 76. It is the lowest composite number to fall into the 41-aliquot tree having the 7 aliquot number sequence,(48, 76, 64, 63, 41, 1, 0). 48 is highly abundant with an aliquot sum 158% higher than itself.

48 is the smallest number with exactly ten divisors.

There are 11 solutions to the equation φ(x) = 48, namely 65, 104, 105, 112, 130, 140, 144, 156, 168, 180 and 210. This is more than any integer below 48, making 48 a highly totient number.

Since the greatest prime factor of 482 + 1 = 2305 is 461, which is clearly more than 48 twice, 48 is a Størmer number.

48 is in base 10 a Harshad number. It has 24, 2, 12,and 4 as factors.

I am happy to confirm that I do not have a fucking clue what all that means. I gave up maths after fluking a pass at “O” Level which I could not convince my teacher was not the result of cheating. But I do know that 48 is also the atomic number of cadmium, and the number of Ptolemaic constellations.

So there.

People sometimes ask me why I spend time most days pottering around on my blog, posting poems or thoughts or funny stuff, or wandering around on the internet hunting for stuff I think should be more widely discussed.

Well, this is why …

In the seven days ended today, my blog has had over twelve hundred hits from people in America.

This is hardly surprising: in a Presidential election year, I spend a lot of my time thinking and talking on here about what’s going on in that great country, and especially how annoyed I am by the behaviour of their politicians, in general, and their hangers on. So I do get a fair few people from the States reading my articles and agreeing, and plenty, no doubt, that don’t.

In the last week Australia chuffed up some 600 hits, and the UK almost the same number.

Well, given I am Australian, and moderately well-known for yakking on about anything that occurs to me – and marketing and advertising in particular – that makes sense, I guess.

And I’m from the UK, originally – deep in the last millennia – and I love my football and so on, so all well and good. Welcome, comrades all.

Australia and Canada. Peas in a pod, see?

And riding on the back of their American brethren, presumably, a fair few Canucks stopped by as well. “Eh?”

I like Canadians. I always think Canada is a bit like Australia with snow. Or Australia is like Canada with sunshine. One or the other. Anyhow, glad to have you along.

But then it all gets a bit weird. And this is where the new stats page provided by WordPress to its bloggers is truly fascinating.

The next biggest group of visitors is from India. Yes, India.

Now I do very occasionally post links on the Facebook page of the Economic Times of India, so I guess that sort of makes sense. But there is something wonderful and exciting and really quite peculiar in thinking about people in Mumbai or Agra or Chandigarh, Jaipur or Ahmedabad or Chennai, cheerfully checking out the mental ramblings of a random Aussie.

So a big “Hi!” to all our friends in India, and thanks!

Then, way higher than I would have expected comes (drum roll) Kenya. Now, I honestly know absolutely almost nothing about Kenya, except there are a fair few Indians who live there, like in much of East Africa. So maybe that’s why? Maybe they found me through the Indian connection? Who knows, huh? Anyway, “Hello, Kenya!” Looking forward to seeing your long distance runners in London at the Olympics.

Then things settle down and become a bit more predictable again. There’s a clutch of Euro countries – Italy, France, Holland, Spain, Germany, Belgium, Ireland – all contributing about the same number of visitors. OK, I do write about the EU and the mess its in sometimes, so that makes sense, I guess. And very egalitarian and regulated of you all to send about the same number of callers each. So “Bonjour, Bongiorno, Guten Tag, Top of the Morning to you” too, and so on and so on.

Then, though, it gets really curious.

All the Scandinavian countries contribute visitors. Waves to the frozen north. Mexico – “Hola!” – and the United Arab Emirates – “Salam wa aleikum”- both contribute more hits than dear old New Zealand just over the water. “Wake up, you fush and chuppers!”

Googling Bealrus images brings up a surprising number of pictures of tractors. As the website of the Production Association "Minsk Tractor Works" kindly explains, MTZ is one of the largest manufacturers of tractors in the world. MTZ Belarus is an association of 6 co-operating Belarusian plants. MTZ Belarus has received 32 international quality certificates. More than 3 Millions of MTZ Belarus tractors successfully operate in over 100 countries around the world all year round in various climate and soil conditions. Phew. I thought you'd rather have a nice photo of Minsk.

Serbia. Thailand. Albania. Chile. Pakistan. Israel. Iceland, the Czech Republic. South Africa. Jordan. Korea.

Saudi Arabia. Nigeria. Argentina. Malaysia. Portugal. Ghana. Sri Lanka. Brazil. Saint Lucia. Jamaica – 45 hits from Jamaica yesterday alone – “Er, hello! Why? Who cares? Welcome!” - Qatar. Belarus. Rwanda. Guatemala. Bangladesh. Lebanon. Slovenia.

Antigua and Barbuda. Bulgaria. Barbados. Angola. Croatia. Tunisia. Bahrain. Botswana.

Even poor, bloody Syria. Well, I have blogged about the disgraceful humanitarian disaster that is Syria, so that makes sense.

And let’s not forget: Estonia (I would really love to go there one day), Lesotho, Senegal. Ecuador. Hong Kong. “Ni hao!” Brunei. Belize. Greece. (Glad to see the electricity is still on.) And last but not least, Austria.

The hills are obviously still alive with the sound of keyboards tapping, at least.

It’s an amazing and humbling list.

At this point, I was going to make some profound (well, I would have tried to make it sound profound, anyhow) point about the use of new media to reach wider audiences, the awesome interconnectedness of humanity today, the way that information now flows freely around the planet in ways that we cannot predict or even necessarily understand.

But you know all that. So let’s take that as read.

What I really want to say is how humbled I am – genuinely, quite shocked and delighted and humbled – to be in contact, however fleetingly, with people from all over the world. I guess it’s a bit like when the moon astronauts looked down on the earth and saw it was all just one tiny, fragile, green and blue and white bubble floating in a vast void, and not a collecting of warring and competing peoples and countries.

It changed them forever. And I think it’s changed me, looking at the amazing map that WordPress kindly provides of where everyone comes from who has read this blog, in just the last week.

Nearly the whole globe is represented. It reminds me of the need to entertain, to inform, to express myself truthfully and intelligently, and to be courteous to those who visit. Not necessarily to agree with everyone, of course, but to treat my fellow inhabitants of the earth with respect. And to listen twice as much as I write.

OK, so I can’t resist one small attempted profundity.

Maybe – just maybe – the conversations that the internet now facilitates will one day change forever the balance of power between the rulers and the ruled in the favour of the little people. Maybe, one day, we will all speak truth directly to each other – and the politicians, and the religious leaders, and the media, and the businesspeople, and the worker’s leaders – well, they can all listen to us for a change, because we don’t need to talk through them to talk to each other.

We can just talk to each other now.

So who will be here next week? What will they think? What will they say? What will you say?

I can’t wait to find out.

PS Oh yes. And I still get more hits on my blog from people looking for “tits” than any other topic. There, now that brought us right back down to earth, didn’t it?

PPS It also occurs to me that I never pull my punches in saying what I think. But in all the time this blog has been running, and now more than 23,500 hits and climbing, there has never had a single comment left that I genuinely felt was abusive or rude. That means something, too. It means a lot, actually.

PPPS Someone else was impressed with the new WordPress reporting. For a good laugh, checkout Did My Post Suck Today?

I do love the internet. Well, I’m fascinated by it, anyhow.

One of the great things about WordPress is it lets you see which Google searches (or other search engines) have led to people dropping in on your blog. I always give it a glance, to see whether my tagging of the 100 articles I have now written and image descriptions and so on is actually doing any good.

Anyhow, here is a brief selection of ways that people found my writing the last two days.

  • the biggest naked tits in the world
  • big breast touch
  • snooki
  • hot teen naked tits
  • short naked teen with big tits
  • big tits naked
  • who has the biggest tits
  • tits actress Italian
  • nude beach big bobs
  • bigtitted readheads
  • tits

You’ve gotta love that last one, haven’t you?

Just “tits”.

Now there’s someone who knows exactly what he wants Google to deliver him. (Well, “Him”, presumably. But maybe not.) I just had to have a go. And you know what? Hopefully seaching on simply “tits” brings up 645 MILLION hits on Google.

So, if you could click on one link a second, which you can’t, that’s over 20 days of wall-to-wall mammary glands of all shapes and sizes. Why oh why doesn’t WordPress let me know who used that search term? I want to ring them and just ask, you know, wtf?

And a little way down the list was someone with a website called “Two Tits Per Hour”, which looked, on a cursory glance, like someone, somewhere could be bothered to post a photo of, yes, a girl with two tits, every hour. For, seemingly, ever. 24/7. Anonymously, for no apparent economic gain. I mean, hello?

Interestingly, Googling images of tits with “safe search off” revealed only 177 MILLION hits, so writing about tits is clearly more than three and a half times more common than photographing them. Who’d of thought, eh?

There was a slight pause in writing this article while I perused the Google images result. Research, dear reader, research. Within a very short space of time I had found my way to a website asking the question “Which celebrity has the best tits?” Apparently the answer is Jennifer Love Hewitt closely followed by Katy Perry. Discuss. No, better still, don’t.

Why my website has become such a magnet for tit searchers is because I wrote a serious (well, moderately serious) article about popular culture that actually included a discussion on popular TV’s obsession with, er, tits – and someone called Snooki from the show “Jersey Shore” in particular.

It’s far and away consistently the most popular article on my blog, and I actually am happy with it; I think it’s a fun read. Sadly, I am sure most of the people accessing it aren’t thoughtfully considering my erudite take on popular culture. They’re just accidentally rocking up there because about day 14 of their twenty day tit-fest I come up on Google. They will be sadly disappointed, and I apologise to them. You can read the original article here, and it’s worth it:

http://wellthisiswhatithink.wordpress.com/2011/09/03/on-snookie-chelsea-the-borgias-big-tits/

Meanwhile, I am delighted with all the attention my blog is getting, as some of the great unwashed will also be happening upon articles about politics, economics, culture, art, iPhones, and Lord knows what else. I think I am onto something here.

So: tits tits tits tits tits tits. Er, bottom. Arse. See how I did that? Targeting a whole new demographic. There ya go.

Oh yes, and some artfully shot pictures, of course to deliver satisfaction to the third or so of readers who need such things. A pair of Great Tits. Oo-er, missus.

A Great pair of Tits

Did you know the Great Tit is, like other tits, a very vocal bird, and has up to 40 types of calls and songs? Celebs: they all release an album sooner or later, right?

As I publish this, the blog is approaching 9000 hits. I confidently expect to crack 10,000 in about the next four minutes.